Ask Apollo

My dear Psyche

2010-11-23T13:42:00.000-06:00

My Dearest Psyche,
My husband has left me. I don't think I can move on. My heart is gone. He has taken it with him. What should I do.
Near death
_________________________________________________________________________________

Near Death,
My dear Girl, do not worry. If he truly loves you, and he does, he will return. Do what you can to show him you love him. There will be many trials, but you can and will survive. Never Give up. Your heart is still beating and he treasures it.

Your goddess of the dream,
Psyche

Dear Isis

2010-10-28T08:52:00.001-05:00

My dear Great Mother Isis,

I am in quite a state. my brother has never liked my lover. well last night we found our selves drugged and my lover had been castrated. what should i do to help.
a sorrowed beauty
____________________________________________

My dear Beauty,

I will tell you what to do, but you must follow my directions perfectly. fashion a phallus from a piece of cedar. then paste it to his genital area. I will then use my influence to fix his problem and restore your future and his manhood, and do not worry My husband Osiris will take care of your brother.

Your Great Mother
ISIS

2010-10-18T20:42:00.000-05:00

Dear Oracle

Are there any wiser than Socrates?

A Friend
_________________________________

Dear Fiend,

This is Athena. IS THERE ANYONE WISER THAN SOCRATES? You offend me. I gave Socrates his wisdom. Do you want to spend the rest of your meaningless existence cleaning up Cerberus droppings or feeding Medusa's hair. Remember who you are talking to before you ask such insane questions.

Salve,
the Great Warrior Maiden Athena

Dear Appius Claudius Caecus...

2010-10-08T16:31:00.003-05:00

So, I hear you're this great Roman general or something right? Well I'm thinking about invading a neighboring territory. We've been on the rocks for a while now... Any advice?
Calculating Centurion

Listen up, Soldier.
I learned one thing and one thing only from my days at war. Listen to the damn chickens.

Apotheosis

2010-10-07T20:37:00.003-05:00

Dear Hercules,

You’re my hero. My life’s ambition is to apotheosis. What advice can you give me.

The next great hero

________________________________________

Dear Mr. Hero,

Be careful what you wish for. Being a god is not all it’s cracked up to be. I went through Hades to get here. No literally, twice. Once as one of my twelve labors and once after I died. Being a God is boring. All I do is sit here thinking about my life, and my life was no walk in the park. Hera hated me for no good reason. She tried to kill me on multiple occasions. Then after I got married and was finally happy, she sent madness upon me. I killed my beautiful wife and my children, the loves of my life. The oracle of Delphi then declared that I must perform 12 incredibly dangerous labors. So my advice is just attempt to live the best life possible, and do not get on Hera’s bad side.

Hercules

Duality

2010-10-07T09:22:00.002-05:00

Dear Apollo

I would be greatly indebted to you if you could inform me of the activities of a certain gentlemen with whom I have the misfortune of being acquainted with. The man in question is one Edward Hyde, and I have deep misgivings about him. I do not wish to impose, but I do hope you will return my correspondence with the utmost haste.

Dr. Henry Jekyll

Dear Dr. Jekyll,

My brother asked me to take this one off his hands. He had to help the oracle study for a philosophy test. As the god of wine and insanity, he thought I’d be the god for the job. I see you suffer from duality. Appropriately I have two forms of advice for you. One, cut back on the wine and other alcoholic beverages. As the god of wine, I understand how difficult, and important, it is to cut back. Two, you need to find a way to harness your wild side. Now I can help by sending a maenad to teach you a few a few rituals to relax. Also the Oracle of Delphi will be on the UTSA campus November 5, 2010 to assist lost souls with her knowledge. Why don’t you give her a visit? She’ll be located at the Classics Cohors booth in the sombrilla. Why don’t you pick up some ambrosia while you’re there? That will let you relax for a while.

Dionysus

Oh My...

2010-10-06T20:28:00.000-05:00

Oracle,

What should I do in case of a Zombie Apocalypse? I often fret about the zombies lurking in the nearby graveyards…

Wannabe Helsing

___________________________________________________

Helsing,

You pose a valid concern... but my sources have been watching you for a while... We know you are well on your way to causing the Zombie Apocalypse... you will survive as the Zombie Emperor... Those zombies in the graveyard are just waiting for you to take your natural place as leader.. and please remember to visit the Classics Club at Best Fest...I'm sending my beautiful Oracle of Delphi to help by sharing her wisdom...please keep your zombie friends from attacking

Apollo

Dear Reader...

2010-10-01T01:19:00.000-05:00

Dear Reader,
I am looking for ideas regarding what to put on these websites that Classical Cohors runs! What kind of stuff would you like to read about? Any upcoming news? Announcements? Please offer your feedback to the oracle in the comment section, and the auspices will smile upon you.
~Apollo

Dear Hermes...

2010-03-24T08:36:00.004-06:00

Apollo,

When am I going to get that great college teaching job. Do I have to wait a few months or year until the economy and state budget improves?

Should I start a new temporary or permanent career?

Searcher

Searcher,
Apollo couldn't make it in today to answer your question. Mysteriously his cattle were stolen and he's trying to retrieve them. Why bother with teaching when you could do something where you can travel? Why not be a bard? Sing, play, dance! Or maybe go into hotel management or something cool like that. If you're set on being a professor then wait it out, but try to go into a niche that has to do with writing, or maybe teach a language (like Greek!). You can't help what you love.

Dear Theseus...

2010-02-09T18:47:00.002-06:00

I'm the youngest kid in my family and I'm considered the disappointment. How can I make my dad proud of me?

Befuddled Brother

Dear Brother,
It's pretty simple. You gotta set your sights on something seemingly unobtainable. Then daddy's like "oh son, nobody can do that". And then you go and do it and BAM! Daddy is shell-shocked, the rest of the town is like "omfg your son just did that? I thought he was stupid or something" And you'll sail triumphantly home to his waiting arms and the forgiveness he will surely throw at your feet.

Just, uh, make sure you remember to do everything you told him you'd do if you came back victorious. I forgot the change the sails on my ship and...well, it's not called the Aegean sea for nothin'.

Dear ANYONE...

2009-12-16T19:42:00.001-06:00

HELP! HELP ME PLEASE! I'M NOT SURE I'LL MAKE IT OUT ALIVE---

Dear Worrywart,

The gods are currently celebrating the holidays in their honor. Please leave a message and they'll get back to you when they return. Thank you and have a nice day!

Dear Pan...

2009-11-13T10:36:00.005-06:00

My girlfriend is great, but sometimes we run out of things to talk about or activities to do together. Do you have any ideas?

Curious with Care

Carebear,

Is she hot? Actually don't answer that, it isn't important. Here's what you've gotta do. I'll take her out for a day and make her realize who you are and how awesome you are. I'll even teach her a few tricks to make her more interesting! You'll have quite a few more talking points when I'm done with her.

Dear Hades...

2009-10-21T01:30:00.007-05:00

I'm having trouble trying to get this girl to like me, do you have any tips and tricks you could share?

-Astute Student

Student,
Do you know who I am? Do you know what I do? What could you possibly expect me to know? I sit down here all day long watching over Sisyphos to make sure he doesn't try to escape (again), and Achilles just sits here whining about his glory over and over. Don't even get me started on the fact that the only glimmer of joy I get to see is with Persephone, and I don't even get to spend every day with her! Six measly months! I guess I can't really complain, there weren't any other girls around willing to see my river Styx. Not that she was willing, mind you, but Zeus is a good brother and hooked me up. Yeah, good brother. Sometimes. I just don't see why he got the land, and Poseidon got the sea, and I got Tartarus! You want my advice? Don't settle for less than what you deserve. Hmph.

Dear Heracles...

2009-10-14T16:51:00.002-05:00

I can't STAND my husband. I was forced into marrying him and we are nothing alike! He doesn't make me happy, and I am slipping deeper into depression every day. Our society doesn't look too kindly on the idea of leaving him, is there any other way out?

Lassoed Lassie

Listen here, Lassie-

I'm gonna keep this short and sweet. Real simple trick: Kill 'em. Face the facts, you're absolutely right about our society, and if you don't get out in this way, you'll never get out with a second chance. This is how I see it--You knock off the hubby, plead temporary insanity, and get stuck doing some community service. Once all of that is said and done you're sailin' on smooth waves once again. This is the way to get things done! But choose your insanity plea carefully, they won't take too many as excuses before locking you up for good.

Dear Athena...

2009-10-12T22:09:00.002-05:00

What the hell did you do to my wife?!

Enraged Escort

Escort--or shall I say, chagrined consort--
I will not lie to you. I went down to visit your wife with good intentions, and to give her the opportunity to humble herself. She arrogantly defied the skills of the gods and I revealed myself to her. We challenged one another to a weaving competition. She made the most disturbing and impertinent tapestry! How dare she exhibit the faults and sexual conquests of the gods? I was outraged, as I should feel. You, sir, are now free from this woman. She will be weaving forever, with all eight of her new legs.

Dear Athena...

2009-10-11T11:14:00.002-05:00

I don't want to get her into trouble, but my wife has been boasting lately about her weaving skills. She says she can do better than you! Please don't take it personally, she's just been complimented so many times because of her art that it's gone over her head. I've tried to tell her to think about what she's saying, but she won't listen! What can I do?

Chagrined Consort

Monsieur Consort,

Let me assure you, the only way to help your wife with her little issue is to find someone better. She must be humbled in order to learn her lesson. I'll come down and show her a thing or two on the loom. Don't worry about it, once I beat her at her own game I'm sure she'll get the idea and start watching her tongue. No harm can come of this little weaving contest!

Dear Hephaestus...

2009-10-01T08:21:00.002-05:00

I'm into this girl, who's really unlike any other girl I know - I think she said she's from Atlanta, or something - anyway, all the guys are after her, but she hardly notices, being way into sports instead, and won't go out with anyone who can't beat her in competition. But I'm useless at that stuff. How can I win her over?

A Slow Hippo

Hippo,

I've got to admit, I got some help from the wife on this one. Sporty girls are all about competition. They're also all about healthy eating and the newest athletic gear. So you can't beat her in a footrace? Tempt her with something else! Throw some nice new shoes on the track, or better yet, how about a granola bar? Chicks dig that stuff. Maybe it'll distract her long enough for you to bolt past and win the race, and win a date! Just make sure there's no hanky panky in sacred places during the afterparty.

Dear Poseidon...

2009-09-28T16:43:00.002-05:00

Wow, this is really awkward. I don't know how to say it, but... Okay, here goes. There's this bull. He hangs out in the field and--oh, my goodness--I don't know how to explain it. Those long, smooth horns, those deep brown eyes, that glorious coat... There's something about it that I just can't get over! I'm infatuated with this bull and I don't know what to do! I can't stop thinking about him. I hope my husband never sees his message, I don't know what he'd do. A king's wife, in love with a bull?!

Infatuated Femme

My dear Femme,

Don't blame yourself. It's not your fault you feel this way! Hell, maybe your husband pissed someone off and they cursed you. But I'll tell you what: I know a guy. His name is... we'll call him Mr. D for privacy. He's a great inventor, I'm sure he can build something to help you, er, fix this problem.

Dear Aphrodite...

2009-09-25T20:22:00.003-05:00

I have a problem with my husband. He has an important civic position that requires him to go on "business trips" constantly. He has been gone for what seems like a decade on this latest trip and the whole time I am home, raising our son, while he travels around doing gods know what. To make matters worse, now I am being hit on by other men who claim they would be better husbands and not be away so much. And my elderly father-in-law is here, too, making more demands on me.

I am so distraught that I have taken up sewing as a hobby but tear my work up every day from the frustration! What can I do, wait another ten years?

In Tears in Ithaca

In Tears--

Honey, he's been gone for ten years. GET OVER HIM! How do you know he's been on "business trips" this whole time? For all you know he's playing house with some tramp from Thrinacia. My advice is simple: marry one of those nice gentlemen that are knocking on the door. At least they've been around. But if you're SO desperate to wait, stick to that knitting hobby. It's constructive.

Dear Apollo...

2009-09-22T08:12:00.002-05:00

See, I've got a crush on this girl. But she's always telling me gossip about her friends and their boyfriends, and I'm scared that if we start dating she'll be telling her friends private things about me! What do I do?

-Concerned Casanova

Dear Casanova,

This is an easy one. I had trouble with a girl once telling me things. First she told me she'd make love to me, then changed her mind! How rude is that? So I kissed her and spat in her mouth. Sexy, right? Well now she'll be able to tell prophecies, but here's the kicker--no one will believe anything she says! Ha! So that's my solution, buddy, try it out. A perpetual girl that cries wolf isn't the worst thing in the world. That way you'll never have to fret about your lady telling private matters to her friends, they aren't going to listen anyway.