Dear Poseidon...

Wow, this is really awkward. I don't know how to say it, but... Okay, here goes. There's this bull. He hangs out in the field and--oh, my goodness--I don't know how to explain it. Those long, smooth horns, those deep brown eyes, that glorious coat... There's something about it that I just can't get over! I'm infatuated with this bull and I don't know what to do! I can't stop thinking about him. I hope my husband never sees his message, I don't know what he'd do. A king's wife, in love with a bull?!

Infatuated Femme



My dear Femme,

Don't blame yourself. It's not your fault you feel this way! Hell, maybe your husband pissed someone off and they cursed you. But I'll tell you what: I know a guy. His name is... we'll call him Mr. D for privacy. He's a great inventor, I'm sure he can build something to help you, er, fix this problem.

Dear Aphrodite...

I have a problem with my husband. He has an important civic position that requires him to go on "business trips" constantly. He has been gone for what seems like a decade on this latest trip and the whole time I am home, raising our son, while he travels around doing gods know what. To make matters worse, now I am being hit on by other men who claim they would be better husbands and not be away so much. And my elderly father-in-law is here, too, making more demands on me.

I am so distraught that I have taken up sewing as a hobby but tear my work up every day from the frustration! What can I do, wait another ten years?

In Tears in Ithaca


In Tears--

Honey, he's been gone for ten years. GET OVER HIM! How do you know he's been on "business trips" this whole time? For all you know he's playing house with some tramp from Thrinacia. My advice is simple: marry one of those nice gentlemen that are knocking on the door. At least they've been around. But if you're SO desperate to wait, stick to that knitting hobby. It's constructive.

Dear Apollo...

See, I've got a crush on this girl. But she's always telling me gossip about her friends and their boyfriends, and I'm scared that if we start dating she'll be telling her friends private things about me! What do I do?

-Concerned Casanova


Dear Casanova,

This is an easy one. I had trouble with a girl once telling me things. First she told me she'd make love to me, then changed her mind! How rude is that? So I kissed her and spat in her mouth. Sexy, right? Well now she'll be able to tell prophecies, but here's the kicker--no one will believe anything she says! Ha! So that's my solution, buddy, try it out. A perpetual girl that cries wolf isn't the worst thing in the world. That way you'll never have to fret about your lady telling private matters to her friends, they aren't going to listen anyway.