Dear Apollo...

See, I've got a crush on this girl. But she's always telling me gossip about her friends and their boyfriends, and I'm scared that if we start dating she'll be telling her friends private things about me! What do I do?

-Concerned Casanova


Dear Casanova,

This is an easy one. I had trouble with a girl once telling me things. First she told me she'd make love to me, then changed her mind! How rude is that? So I kissed her and spat in her mouth. Sexy, right? Well now she'll be able to tell prophecies, but here's the kicker--no one will believe anything she says! Ha! So that's my solution, buddy, try it out. A perpetual girl that cries wolf isn't the worst thing in the world. That way you'll never have to fret about your lady telling private matters to her friends, they aren't going to listen anyway.