Dear ANYONE...

HELP! HELP ME PLEASE! I'M NOT SURE I'LL MAKE IT OUT ALIVE---




Dear Worrywart,

The gods are currently celebrating the holidays in their honor. Please leave a message and they'll get back to you when they return. Thank you and have a nice day!

Dear Pan...

My girlfriend is great, but sometimes we run out of things to talk about or activities to do together. Do you have any ideas?

Curious with Care



Carebear,

Is she hot? Actually don't answer that, it isn't important. Here's what you've gotta do. I'll take her out for a day and make her realize who you are and how awesome you are. I'll even teach her a few tricks to make her more interesting! You'll have quite a few more talking points when I'm done with her.

Dear Hades...

I'm having trouble trying to get this girl to like me, do you have any tips and tricks you could share?

-Astute Student



Student,
Do you know who I am? Do you know what I do? What could you possibly expect me to know? I sit down here all day long watching over Sisyphos to make sure he doesn't try to escape (again), and Achilles just sits here whining about his glory over and over. Don't even get me started on the fact that the only glimmer of joy I get to see is with Persephone, and I don't even get to spend every day with her! Six measly months! I guess I can't really complain, there weren't any other girls around willing to see my river Styx. Not that she was willing, mind you, but Zeus is a good brother and hooked me up. Yeah, good brother. Sometimes. I just don't see why he got the land, and Poseidon got the sea, and I got Tartarus! You want my advice? Don't settle for less than what you deserve. Hmph.

Dear Heracles...

I can't STAND my husband. I was forced into marrying him and we are nothing alike! He doesn't make me happy, and I am slipping deeper into depression every day. Our society doesn't look too kindly on the idea of leaving him, is there any other way out?

Lassoed Lassie



Listen here, Lassie-

I'm gonna keep this short and sweet. Real simple trick: Kill 'em. Face the facts, you're absolutely right about our society, and if you don't get out in this way, you'll never get out with a second chance. This is how I see it--You knock off the hubby, plead temporary insanity, and get stuck doing some community service. Once all of that is said and done you're sailin' on smooth waves once again. This is the way to get things done! But choose your insanity plea carefully, they won't take too many as excuses before locking you up for good.

Dear Athena...

What the hell did you do to my wife?!

Enraged Escort


Escort--or shall I say, chagrined consort--
I will not lie to you. I went down to visit your wife with good intentions, and to give her the opportunity to humble herself. She arrogantly defied the skills of the gods and I revealed myself to her. We challenged one another to a weaving competition. She made the most disturbing and impertinent tapestry! How dare she exhibit the faults and sexual conquests of the gods? I was outraged, as I should feel. You, sir, are now free from this woman. She will be weaving forever, with all eight of her new legs.

Dear Athena...

I don't want to get her into trouble, but my wife has been boasting lately about her weaving skills. She says she can do better than you! Please don't take it personally, she's just been complimented so many times because of her art that it's gone over her head. I've tried to tell her to think about what she's saying, but she won't listen! What can I do?

Chagrined Consort


Monsieur Consort,

Let me assure you, the only way to help your wife with her little issue is to find someone better. She must be humbled in order to learn her lesson. I'll come down and show her a thing or two on the loom. Don't worry about it, once I beat her at her own game I'm sure she'll get the idea and start watching her tongue. No harm can come of this little weaving contest!

Dear Hephaestus...

I'm into this girl, who's really unlike any other girl I know - I think she said she's from Atlanta, or something - anyway, all the guys are after her, but she hardly notices, being way into sports instead, and won't go out with anyone who can't beat her in competition. But I'm useless at that stuff. How can I win her over?

A Slow Hippo



Hippo,

I've got to admit, I got some help from the wife on this one. Sporty girls are all about competition. They're also all about healthy eating and the newest athletic gear. So you can't beat her in a footrace? Tempt her with something else! Throw some nice new shoes on the track, or better yet, how about a granola bar? Chicks dig that stuff. Maybe it'll distract her long enough for you to bolt past and win the race, and win a date! Just make sure there's no hanky panky in sacred places during the afterparty.

Dear Poseidon...

Wow, this is really awkward. I don't know how to say it, but... Okay, here goes. There's this bull. He hangs out in the field and--oh, my goodness--I don't know how to explain it. Those long, smooth horns, those deep brown eyes, that glorious coat... There's something about it that I just can't get over! I'm infatuated with this bull and I don't know what to do! I can't stop thinking about him. I hope my husband never sees his message, I don't know what he'd do. A king's wife, in love with a bull?!

Infatuated Femme



My dear Femme,

Don't blame yourself. It's not your fault you feel this way! Hell, maybe your husband pissed someone off and they cursed you. But I'll tell you what: I know a guy. His name is... we'll call him Mr. D for privacy. He's a great inventor, I'm sure he can build something to help you, er, fix this problem.

Dear Aphrodite...

I have a problem with my husband. He has an important civic position that requires him to go on "business trips" constantly. He has been gone for what seems like a decade on this latest trip and the whole time I am home, raising our son, while he travels around doing gods know what. To make matters worse, now I am being hit on by other men who claim they would be better husbands and not be away so much. And my elderly father-in-law is here, too, making more demands on me.

I am so distraught that I have taken up sewing as a hobby but tear my work up every day from the frustration! What can I do, wait another ten years?

In Tears in Ithaca


In Tears--

Honey, he's been gone for ten years. GET OVER HIM! How do you know he's been on "business trips" this whole time? For all you know he's playing house with some tramp from Thrinacia. My advice is simple: marry one of those nice gentlemen that are knocking on the door. At least they've been around. But if you're SO desperate to wait, stick to that knitting hobby. It's constructive.

Dear Apollo...

See, I've got a crush on this girl. But she's always telling me gossip about her friends and their boyfriends, and I'm scared that if we start dating she'll be telling her friends private things about me! What do I do?

-Concerned Casanova


Dear Casanova,

This is an easy one. I had trouble with a girl once telling me things. First she told me she'd make love to me, then changed her mind! How rude is that? So I kissed her and spat in her mouth. Sexy, right? Well now she'll be able to tell prophecies, but here's the kicker--no one will believe anything she says! Ha! So that's my solution, buddy, try it out. A perpetual girl that cries wolf isn't the worst thing in the world. That way you'll never have to fret about your lady telling private matters to her friends, they aren't going to listen anyway.